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How Do I Detach From my Alcoholic Spouse? Flipbook PDF
How do you detach with love? You detach with love by moving your emotions away from the behavior of the alcoholic. Don’t
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How Do I Detach From my Alcoholic Spouse? Heaven Ministries ~ Marriage Healing Ministry
Contents Part I
Part II
How Do I Detach From an Alcoholic Spouse
How Can I Help My Alcoholic Spouse Get Sober?
Part III
Part IV
(Bonus eBook) How to Cope How Can I Being Married to and Living Get Sober and Stay Sober? with an Alcoholic
Underlined, words, phrases and sentences throughout this eBook are links to a more in detail article
Part 1 How Do I Detach From an Alcoholic Spouse? Stop Trying to Fix the Alcoholic
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Detach With Love; Never in Anger What to do When The Alcoholic Gets Abusive Don’t Let the Alcoholic Manipulate You! Setting Personal Boundaries to Define Your Space Encourage the Alcoholic When They Aren’t Drinking Stop Rescuing the Alcoholic and Rescue YOU Instead Don’t Allow You To Become A Victim Why Can’t We Just Settle For God? Don’t be Controlled by the Alcoholic Ask God to Rid you of Resentment and Anger Helping the Alcoholic You Love Put Your Faith, Hope and Trust in God
The Alcoholic is Spiritually and Emotionally Sick Dealing with the abuse of an alcoholic spouse takes special effort. But with your effort and trust in God, you can detach from the alcoholic and make your life so much easier for yourself and children. Detaching is something learned in which you make a habit in your life. Detaching from the alcoholic does not mean you do not love them, it means you don’t want to continue enabling them. Detaching is scriptural and goes along the same lines as forgiveness. When our alcoholic spouse wrongs us, our first reaction is to fight back, yell, scream, accuse, and get revenge. But Jesus teaches us to not retaliate in anger. We are to love and forgive. This is what detaching is—we should pray for our sick spouse rather than retaliate with angry words and abuse. Ephesians 4:2-3 Don’t lower yourself to the alcoholics level. Be on top of the game by continually telling yourself the alcoholic is spiritually and emotionally sick. Every one in the home should learn to detach emotionally from the alcoholic. The alcoholic is very sick and we must remind ourselves of this every time the he or she abuses us with words. * Learn to walk away from the abuse rather than fight back
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* Learn to let go and let God—pray for the alcoholic * Learn to not let the alcoholics behavior control your own behavior * Learn the difference between the person and the alcoholic (alcohol or drugs changes the mindset and chemical balance of the person, just like sugar does in a diabetic or hypoglycemic) *Never talk to the alcoholic once they have started drinking; it will only cause arguments and animosity between you. Know this: the alcoholic wants you to talk to them—they want you to get angry and riled up about their drinking problem. They want to get your goat, so to speak, and get you to be argumentative, lose your temper and become out of control. They want this so they can feel better about their drinking; they want to make you look like the one who needs help. It’s not easy living with an alcoholic. The problem is we don’t see the alcoholic as being sick but someone we don’t like to be around when they are drinking. If they were in bed sick with the flu we would know how to care for them, but when they are drunk sick there is nothing we can really do for them, other than watch them drink themselves to oblivion. The alcoholic is very sick. They are sick physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. The biggest problem for you is the addiction can also make you sick mentally, emotionally and spiritually, if you allow it too. When one spouse is alcoholic, the other spouse is addicted to the problems that are associated with alcoholism. So they are actually both addicted but in different ways.
Stop Trying to Fix the Alcoholic This is why learning to detach from the alcoholic is the very best thing to do. First mistake is to think we have to do something! We think we have to fix the alcoholic. We throw out all the booze. We hide the car keys. We bail them out of jail. We help them to bed. We clean up after them. We lie to people about their behavior. We sweep problems under the rug. We remain in denial with the alcoholic. We protect them from themselves when drunk. And we’re going crazy for doing all of those things!
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What does doing all of these things do to your own mental health? Don’t you feel resentful over the rescuing and caring of someone who treats you with disrespect? All of these things make you mentally sick with the alcoholic. You are treating the symptoms of alcoholism with your enabling, and its not working! It’s like treating a person who gets chronic headaches with aspirin. Why are they getting persistent headaches? That’s what you both need to find out for sobriety?
Always Detach With Love; Never in Anger The alcoholic does not need enabling and rescuing. What the alcoholic needs most from you, even if they don’t know it themselves, is for you to back away from the symptoms of addiction so they will have to take responsibility for the problem themselves. We should not impede this by enabling or rescuing them. Leave the responsibility, accountability and blame to the alcoholic. They need to be responsible for themselves. The best thing you can do is disconnect emotionally from the alcoholic when they are drinking and not take any of the abuse and or ranting personally. Love the alcoholic, but don’t love them to the extent of hindering recovery. Once you back away from the addiction and stop-taking responsibility is when you won’t feel resentful, bitter, and offended anymore. They have a drinking problem and they must come out of denial and take care of that problem on their own. This does not mean you cannot support them when they are trying to quit drinking or help them with certain circumstances in their life when they are sober. What it does mean is that as long as they are willing to work on healing themselves, you will be there for them. But if they continue drinking themselves to death you will not be a part of that – they are on their own. Detach with Love -- and do what you need to do to take care of you!
Detach With Love
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How do you detach with love? You detach with love by moving your emotions away from the behavior of the alcoholic. Don’t take anything personal. Don’t treat the alcoholic with disrespect, screaming, complaints, or threats. Simply walk away when he or she begins to mentally and emotionally abuse you. If they become violent than you will have to leave the house, hopefully it won’t go that far, but some women do have to endure such violence from their alcoholic husband’s. In that case it is always good to have a friend or family member to go stay with. Let them know ahead of time that you may show up in the middle of the night. Some wives allow their husbands to abuse them by arguing and screaming back, which only eggs on more abuse from the alcoholic. A big part of detaching is not to allow the abuse of the alcoholic damage your spiritual and emotional self. Do not allow the abuse to emotionally bruise your ego or undermine your faith in God. If a wife would remain silent and leave the room when her husband gets abusive, he’ll be left to bear with his own abusive behavior. Take your bible with you wherever you go and read it in these unbearable times. God is with you—believe that! Below are some red flags of addiction that need your detachment from: * Do you argue, scream, accuse and name-call back when your husband goes on a rant when drinking? * Do you threaten to leave your husband because of his drinking? * Do you hide or throw away his booze when he isn’t looking? * Are you doing anything to enable your husband to drink? (Enabling is also a reason for the alcoholic to continue drinking and being abusive.) * Are you doing or saying anything that would facilitate your husband’s behavior? * Are you getting driven into the disease with the alcoholic? * Do you feel emotionally imbalanced and or depressed? Understand, it is your detachment from the disease that gets the alcoholic to ‘see” they have a drinking problem and come out of denial. When you don’t take responsibility for the addiction—they will.
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How Long Should I Detach For? Detaching is not for the alcoholic but is for YOU and your spiritual and emotional well-being. Scripture clearly tells us to “Bear with each other (Colossians 3:13) and share in each other’s burdens” (Galatians 6:2) and I believe that this extends to a sick spouse, whether alcoholic or diabetic. We will need to take care of ourselves through detachment as long as our spouse remains trapped in the addiction. We can only bear addiction when we detach! We BEAR with each other by detaching with love. We are able to detach because of God’s love for us and the Holy Spirit within us. We would not be able to detach properly if it were not for Christ protecting us and giving us the inner peace to continue in the suffering that comes with living with and loving an alcoholic. We certainly cannot BEAR with each other or CARRY each other burdens if we do not make use of the spirit of Christ within us. (John 14:16-17) Too many times spouses and loved ones of alcoholics become just as emotionally and spiritually sick as the alcoholic. This is not right! This is not going to help you or the alcoholic. It is important to ALWAYS remain close in heart and mind with Christ, always praying… so He will intervene for you and give you the peace you need as you live with an alcoholic. (Romans 8:26-27)
What To Do When The Alcoholic Gets Abusive Should You Move Out? Nine out of ten alcoholics are verbally abusive and this is why we like to explain to the loved ones of alcoholics how to detach from that abuse, and it usually ends up subsiding because of the new reaction and treatment to the alcoholic when they get abusive. In other words your detachment, whatever that may be, will actually help the alcoholic too. Some women move out, or kick their husbands out when they just can’t take it anymore. This is understandable sometimes, but it is far better for
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the alcoholic if the sober spouse stays and starts going to ALANON or at the very least become knowledgeable about detaching so they can learn to live with the alcoholic. Why do we say this? Marriage is a lifetime commitment. A wife should be a helpmeet to her husband through the good times and the bad. We are obligated to be devoted to the person we married. “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: if one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and no one is there to help him up!” (Ecclesiastes 4: 9) Who is going to help the alcoholic—who will he or she be accountable to if you move out? It is never a good idea for an alcoholic to live alone for an extended period of time because they may feel they are not accountable to anyone and may never get sober. Even so, even unbelievers will be accountable to God one day and in marriage, a husband is accountable to his wife and a wife is accountable to her husband.
How Can I Detach When We All Live Together? You detach emotionally, not physically, and only when the alcoholic is drinking. On the days he or she is not drinking, or during those sober periods, you may still need to detach, but you can also offer more loving support and encouragement for the addict. Detaching from the addiction is not enabling the alcoholic in anyway. You must learn to stop rescuing and enabling the alcoholic when it concerns anything at all to do with alcohol. This requires discernment from you because alcoholics can manipulate you when you least expect it. Every circumstance is different for each family member, so you have to evaluate your situation and then do what you need to do for yourself and any children in the home. As the sober parent you will need to protect young children in the home from the abuse. First it is a good idea to let the alcoholic know what you are going to do, so they will not be surprised at how different you react to their abuse.
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Explain to him that you will be staying out of his way when he is drinking because you do not like being around them when they are drinking; you need to protect yourself and children from any verbal abuse. Let your husband or loved one know that you love them but you do not like what the addiction does to them when they drink. In other words you love him but hate the disease! Detaching may involve leaving the same room they are in; not talking to the alcoholic when they are drinking; leaving the home temporarily; not fighting back and not getting angry. Detaching is for your sanity, as well as helping to sober the alcoholic and getting them to see their behavior as not appropriate. When you don’t react to their abuse, they will be left to take responsibility for their behavior themselves. When we fight back with the alcoholic it gives them justification for them to continue drinking. They will look at us and think, “boy my spouse is really off their rocker and needs some help, no wonder I drink”.
Don’t Let the Alcoholic Manipulate You! Fifteen years ago when I was trapped within the web of alcoholism I used to manipulate my husband every chance I could. Alcoholics are real good at manipulating family and friends into their head games. You must realize when this is happening, so as not to have any part of it. Below are some of the lies fostered by the alcoholic so they can continue to drink and look like the good guy. * They may blame you for their drinking * They may try and get you to argue with them * They may accuse you of wrong doing * They may talk bad (lie) about you to others * They may plead with you to drink with them * They may give you a sob story to make you feel sorry for them * They will try to make alcoholism your problem too—they want you to take responsibility
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Addiction may be your problem because you love someone who is addicted. But you should NEVER take responsibility for the addiction. Alcoholism is a family addiction because it involves the whole family and even friends and acquaintances. The alcoholic will directly and indirectly use anyone to get what they want and to continue drinking.
Setting Personal Boundaries to Define Your Space The main thing about living with and loving an alcoholic is don’t allow yourself to become trapped in the addiction with them. You need to be the one safely on shore basking in the sun. They are in the water drowning, which is exactly what addiction is. It should never be the other way around where you are both waiting for someone to throw out a life preserver. You shouldn’t let yourself to drown with the alcoholic. How will you help them to the shore if you are in the water drowning with them? The alcoholic NEEDS to be left to themselves while drinking so they can see that no one is going to enable or accept any of the alcoholic behavior. You may have to set personal boundaries for yourself and the children. Remember: setting boundaries for you is not a threat or a way to control the alcoholic. On the contrary, your boundaries have nothing to do with them, and everything to do with you! The alcoholic may not like your new attitude or boundaries, but so what! That’s the point. You are going to take care of your spiritual well-being. Be sure to explain to them, when they are NOT drinking, why you have set boundaries. ***Explain to them that you will not be around an argumentative or abusive alcoholic, but when they are sober, you would love to talk with them. Tell them, “I Love talking with YOU, but I don’t love talking to the disease.” Let the alcoholic know that it is NOT ok to call you names, it is NOT ok for him or her to abuse you with angry words, and so you have set boundaries for yourself.
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Understand that most of what an alcoholic says when drunk they don’t really mean. The alcoholic is angry inside and they are holding in a lot of resentment and emotional demons that come out in angry words of abuse to whoever happens to be in earshot. The alcoholic is sick emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Why sit and listen to a ranting alcoholic? The best thing you can do when an alcoholic gets abusive is to have your own space in your house with some useful essentials. By all means make yourself comfortable. Your space, which we will call your boundary should have a bible, computer, TV, DVD’s, books, cell phone, writing materials, music with headphones, hobbies, crafts, small fridge, snacks and whatever else you like and need. Children will need some games, toys, snacks, etc. Ask yourself these questions to help you create boundaries for yourself. 1. What do I need for myself? 2. How can I derive some peace for myself when the alcoholic is drinking? 3. What actions and behaviors can I do for myself that will help the alcoholic? 4. In what ways can I detach emotionally? 5. Would I be enabling if I did this for/with my alcoholic spouse? 6. What can I do for the children? 7. What do I need to make my alcoholic spouse aware of ahead of time?
Encourage Them When They Are Not Drinking I love you! Tell them “I LOVE YOU, but I DON"T LOVE what the addiction is doing to you. Separate the person from the addiction. Tell them things that would offer encouragement WHEN THEY ARE SOBER. Remember, don’t talk to someone who is drinking, it will most likely back fire on you. Never talk to an abusive drunk. Don’t allow small children around an abusive person. Instead, simply go to your space. Let the alcoholic know ahead of time (when they are not drinking) that you WILL NOT be a part
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of their drinking. Let them know that you aren’t doing this to them, but you are doing it for yourself—for your own emotional and mental well being, and that of the children’s. They need to respect your boundaries. 1. I love being with you when you are sober. 2. You are such a good dad/mom when you are sober. 3. I married you because you are so understanding and loveable, but when you are drinking you are a different person. 4. I love you, but I don’t love the disease. 5. I love who you are not what alcohol does to you Don’t have any interaction with the alcoholic while they are drinking; that includes, talking and arguing with them. Why fuss and fight with someone who has lost the ability to make any sense? Don’t become ensnared in the alcoholic trap with them. Stay out of the trap, so you can help them. Ninety-five percent of what an alcoholic says is manipulative in nature anyway. Don’t start believing in the lies of the disease. Separate yourself from the antics of the alcoholic.
We Are Powerless Over All Aspects of Addiction As most of us know we can’t make an alcoholic stop drinking—we are powerless over all aspects of addiction. But we certainly do not have to entertain alcoholism in any fashion. One reason why an alcoholic would get angry when you detach from him is because it gets to his conscience and lets him know that his drinking is not appropriate behavior for a father/mother and husband/wife to be partaking in every day. When they begin to feel guilty about their drinking is when they stop being in denial.
Detaching from the alcoholic is not only a good and reasonable choice for your personal spiritual and emotional welbeing but also for the alcoholic. Your detachment is what helps the alcoholic take responsibility for the addiction. He has to make choices for himself, not you for him. Only when we stop fighting with the addiction and trying to control every aspect of the addicted person do we find solace and comfort, and will the addict
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come out of denial and seek healing. Don’t drown with the alcoholic. You need to rescue you! Here is a chapter I selected from our book on the alcohol addiction called The Alcoholism Trap that I hope will encourage you to take the steps needed to take care of you and your family while living with an alcoholic.
Stop Rescuing The Alcoholic And Start Rescuing You You’re so busy throwing out the lifeline trying to rescue the alcoholic that you didn’t notice that you were drowning with them. How does it feel? It does not feel very good, does it? You have been giving all your strength in the saving and rescuing the alcoholic in your life that you don’t have much strength left for yourself. You have become so addicted to the symptoms of the alcoholics addiction that you cannot help yourself! Here’s what I want you to do. Next time you feel like throwing out a line to the alcoholic, don’t do it. Let him or her figure out a solution on their own!! This gives the alcoholic a big wakeup call. It may even get them all angered up, but hello! They need to wakeup out of their slumber. “Oh, okay, maybe I do drink too much”. The alcoholic will not like it at first that you’re leaving them to tend to their own miserable lives by themselves, but, later they will be glad you didn’t keep rescuing them. They may even dish out a lot of mean and hurtful words, but hey, so what. You know what you need to do when the alcoholic starts to attack. They are just words and you know how to detach from the abuse of an alcoholic and still live with them and love them, right? As a matter of fact the more you learn to detach, the better you will feel about yourself.
Be Nice To Yourself Remind yourself periodically that it’s not your fault the alcoholic drinks. The alcoholic has a compulsion to drink, which has nothing at all to do
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with you. So you should not feel guilty, remorseful, angry, or depressed. If you allow these kinds of negativities to control the way you think and feel, it will eventually impair your own mental and spiritual well-being. When you are feeling lonely, frustrated or mentally drained from the day, do something about it. Take care of yourself! What do you like to do for fun? Don’t sit around watching the alcoholic drink; it is going to drive you crazy. Take up a hobby. Go see a movie or a play. Go out to dinner with a friend. Take a long walk in nature. Take the kids out for ice cream. You get the picture, right? You do not want to be cooped up watching someone else drown in their sorrows, or inflict abuse upon you. Why? Because you have better things to do than sit around brooding with an alcoholic. Sound ruthless? Well it is not. If it is late, or you just don’t feel like going anywhere, then go to your space and don’t forget to pray.
Don’t Allow You To Become A Victim It’s very important to understand that loved ones of alcoholics unintentionally make themselves become victims by the way they think and position themselves with the alcoholic. Oh poor me, I’m having to put up with this drunken behavior every single day; I just can’t take it anymore! The alcoholic is the only victim here when you come right down to it. The alcoholic is the one addicted and controlled by alcohol, thus, they are the true victims. Although, they, unbeknownst to them, would love to bring you into the alcoholic sickness with them, so you must be aware of when this is happening. Here is how it works: addiction works in stages. I talk more about this in my book, The Alcoholism Trap. At first the alcoholic is just treading water and everything seems finds and dandy, but this does not last long. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. And when the alcoholic feels like they are sinking further and further into the addiction, they will grab onto you to keep themselves afloat, but that will only pull you both under. This happens in very subtle ways. The alcoholic may pick a fight with you.
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They expect you to fix everything that goes wrong in their life. They may drive you to drink with them, or they may try and accuse you of bad things and tell you how immoral and awful you are. When the alcoholic gets a reaction from you, it is their safety line, giving them justification for drinking and continuing in their alcoholic behavior. I know this first hand because I used to do it. Some rescuer type people are more susceptible to being pulled under than others. Did you know that a rescuer will always look for someone to rescue, even though they are constantly getting pulled under themselves. It might have something to do with the environment they grew up in, or maybe they had an alcoholic parent or sibling they always rescued from drugs or alcohol. These types of people usually end up marrying someone they can continue to rescue, like an alcoholic or other addict. If you are not married yet, please watch out for signs of heavy drinking and or alcoholism in your future spouse BEFORE getting married, you will save yourself a lot of grief and suffering.
Why Can’t We Just Settle For God? Who is going to take care of you? Not to offend anyone, but no one really cares about your health and well being more than you, except for God, your heavenly Father. That means if we seek out God for our life’s troubles, such as living with and loving an alcoholic then that is taking responsibility for our personal well being and that of our children, if we have any. Why is it, we always feel like we have to DO something ourselves? It’s true, some things we will have to do ourselves like be more knowledgeable about alcoholism. But most things we should ask God, have faith, and He will provide. Isn’t asking God for help enough? I think it is, but too often we want to control the outcome of events and issues in our life, so we take steps that we feel will control those issues, but most of the time nothing changes, and sometimes we make things worse. Why can’t we just settle
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for God? God is wisdom – wisdom comes from the Father who created us, therefore, if and when we allow God into our lives and we begin exploring the realms of spiritually, that is when we become filled with God’s wisdom and guidance for us. God is our safety line, and you are the safety line to the alcoholic until they have spiritual clarity enough to reach out for God on their own. The alcoholic has a difficult time grabbing onto God for their safety line because there are too many hurdles in the way, as we all know, but through you, they can come to see and know God for themselves. Do you see how that works? The wiser and more knowledgeable you are in God, the more secure you will feel about your position as a loved one of the alcoholic, thus making you feel better spiritually, emotionally and mentally. Remember what I said earlier? Don’t deprive yourself of health and well-being just because you live with someone who doesn’t give a darn about their health. It will be your wellness that brings the alcoholic to their senses.
Respect Yourself Don’t beat yourself up over the issues of addiction. Respect and love the person you are and take each day one day at a time, and go from there. Don’t look back and don’t look forward more than what is absolutely necessary. The more you think of what next week, next month or next year will bring with the alcoholic, the more overwhelmed, depressed, and awful you will feel inside. You don’t know what tomorrow or next month will bring, so stay tuned in only to today and what you can do today for yourself. ***The more you love and respect yourself, the more you will be helping the alcoholic. How can that be, you might ask? Well, the more you respect yourself, the less likely you are to succumb to the control and manipulation of the addiction. Remember, you are NOT the one with the drinking problem, so don’t disrespect yourself by the way you think, behave or in any other way as if you were the one trapped in addiction. Get yourself healthy in mind, body, and spirit, and see to it the alcoholic
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knows you are taking care of you! Let him or her know you are not in the alcoholism trap with them.
Don’t Allow Yourself to be Controlled By The Alcoholic According to Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism is an insidious disease. That means whoever abuses alcohol will most likely become insidious in behavior. The devil himself gets to the non-alcoholic through the addicted person. You don’t ever have to take a drink in your life, but somehow the alcoholic ensnares you in with them and you begin to have an alcoholic mind with the alcoholic. That is if you let him or her do that to you. Understand this, the alcoholic most likely does not even realize they are doing this, it is just another part of the addiction that seems to sweep whatever is in its path into a sickness, which actually keeps people further away from God. If you think about it, addictions are but one way in which satan deprives people of God. Don’t let this happen to you. Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks; and to him who knocks, the door will be open. Mathew 7:7-8 NIV Remember do not allow yourself to be taken down into the addiction trap with the alcoholic. Pray for your husband. Pray for guidance, faith and strength to get through this trying time in your life. God will answer your prayers if you wait on Him for the answers. Whenever you feel emotionally out of sorts, get out your bible and pray about it. This always gives us a sense of closeness with God and comforts us in time of need. Many people do not know that diet has a lot to do with many health afflictions that consume our body, alcoholism being one of them. Of course, there are many triggers that predetermine alcoholism in a person but sugar imbalances are the reason why physically alcoholics are addicted to sugar in the alcohol and crave it. This is just another area that you may want to check into if you love and live with an alcoholic.
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Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
Ask God to Rid you of Resentment and Anger Many times we try and be the captain of our own boat. We want to row our own boat where we think it should go, but in doing so, we row ourselves away from God and into worldly temptations. God will work miracles in our lives but we have to put our faith and trust in Him. We do that by allowing God to be at the helm. We still have to row our own boat but He is the Captain telling us where He wants us to go. It’s never the other way around. To overcome negative feelings and become all God has planned for us, we have to surrender our old life for a new one with Jesus Christ. This is how it works. In reply Jesus declared, “I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again.” John 3:3 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old is gone, the new has come! 2 Corinthians 5:17 Don’t allow resentment from the alcoholic’s abuse destroy your spirit! Let’s say you are in a grocery store shopping and someone comes up to you out of the blue and says, “You are ugly and fat! Why don’t you go on a diet?” You can either let these rude remarks embed themselves within your spirit and attitude and cause a reaction from you where you lash back at that person, or you can smile and walk away, letting the words roll right off your shoulders. Which is it going to be, resentment or detachment? When we realize that anyone who would say such unkind words, out of the blue, to a stranger, has a sickness, then you can just let it go. The only time you would become sick with them is if you treat them back the same way they treated you. In the same way, this is how you have to deal with the sickness of addiction. You have to treat addiction with this kind of attitude or else it will pull you under with it. But of course, if the alcoholic
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is being physically abusive you will have to separate yourself physically from him. Being married to an alcoholic does take your effort and determination but with God you can overcome. Every single day you will have to be on your guard because addiction is baffling and cunning. Who knows what is going to happen from one day to the next. The more you arm yourself with knowledge about addiction the better off you will be. You need to put your faith and trust in God and know that He will protect you with His umbrella of love and guidance. The Lord will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. (Psalm 121:7-8) So What Are You Going To Do? You can either let God throw you a lifeline and come back onto dry ground and put your trust with Him. Or you can stay in the water with your husband and get sick with him. Which is it going to be? Remember, you can only help the alcoholic if you help yourself. ;-) “On this day I promise God and myself that I will let go of the problem which is destroying my peace of mind. I pray for detachment from the situation, but not from the suffering drinker who may be helped to find the way to sobriety through the change in my attitude and the love and compassion I am able to express.” ALANON – One Day At A Time.
Helping the Alcoholic You Love! As you have learned so far that to help the alcoholic you love you first must help yourself. You will never be able to help the alcoholic until you help yourself. Alcohol addiction tends to involve everyone the alcoholic is in contact with on some kind of level. Those who are in the path of the alcoholic, usually a spouse, desperately need to know how to emotionally detach from the abuse of the alcoholic. In some cases the mental,
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emotionally and even physical abuse is so bad that couples must separate. If the alcoholic begins to get mouthy-calling you names and putting you down, you must leave the room or the house. Remember, the alcoholic is sick and when they drink they are more apt to have emotional outbursts and flared tempers. Don't allow this abuse to sit in your head where it festers and causes emotional problems for yourself. Let it go in one ear and out the other, literally! You can do this when you understand that part of the sickness of alcoholism is the underlying emotional pain harbored within the alcoholic. Loved ones are usually a scapegoat and temporary outlet for the alcoholic to emotionally unload their demons on, so to speak. I know this first hand because I have been there and done that. Remember, most of what comes out of the mouth of an alcoholic is the addiction talking. Never take what they say as the gospel truth. When the alcoholic drinks they think they know everything and they may try and get you to believe in the lies and manipulation they are forcing on you. This is how the loved one or enabler becomes sick with the alcoholic. They believe what the alcoholic tells them, at least for a while. An Alcoholics favorite quotes are: "I am not an alcoholic". "I can stop drinking anytime." "I promise I will never drink again" "You are the one with the problem, not me". "I only drink to unwind" "Oh no, I don't have a drinking problem". "I drink because you treat me bad". "I'll stop drinking when you stop ____".
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Even though none of the above is true the alcoholic may truly believe that what they tell you is true. In their mind, if they are in denial, they may actually believe they can quit just because they say so, but unfortunately addiction doesn't work like that. One thing that confuses the alcoholic is when you start taking care of yourself, such as reading the bible, praying for them, going to ALANON classes and taking up hobbies. When they see that you are getting emotionally and spiritually well and not letting what they do or say distress you, they will really be miffed. Walking away or going into another room of the home when the alcoholic starts on a rampage will really annoy them. They expect and even want for you to fight and argue back, scream, yell, cry, or drink with them, not walk away. Don't give them a reaction except for letting them know that you are not going to go down with them into the alcoholism trap. By all means, let the alcoholic know that you moving on with your life without them. Let them see you becoming emotionally and spiritually well. Nine times out of ten this stirs the conscience within them to start taking responsibility for their problem. They have to want to get sober for themselves and not for you or anyone else. If you are separated from the alcoholic now because of abuse it is best to make sure the alcoholic has been sober for a full year before they move back into the home. He or she needs to be sober for a while to get used to dealing with life on life's terms. Much healing needs to happen for the alcoholic. Hopefully after a year of sobriety the alcoholic is not just sober, but has healed emotionally, spiritually and physically from the triggers that made them crave the drink in the first place. Deep inner healing needs to take place within the alcoholic before the alcoholic can actually manage happily without drinking. This is called total sobriety. Emotional and physical addiction is the areas you will want to look into before total sobriety can be achieved. Know the difference. There is
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sobriety and then there is total sobriety. Anyone can become sober but not everyone can achieve total sobriety and that's because they still need inner healing, whatever that may be. Many sober alcoholics continue to go to alcoholic's anonymous years after sobriety. What for? Because it is a crutch they hang onto to keep them from drinking. Other crutches might be another addiction such as sex or food. This is not total sobriety but just a person barely getting by without a drink. That's sad. God created us to be whole people with the ability to love others and be happy without being a slave to sin, which is what addiction is. We make ourselves become the people we are because of our past and future environments and events and people in our lives. How we manage these circumstances will produce in us the person we become. If we handle our problems from our own understanding we will walk in err because our own understanding is almost always flawed. We need God in our lives! God does not make alcoholics-we choose what our life is going to be. How we manage life's problems and how we have managed past problems in our life creates a certain lifestyle for us. This lifestyle is made through our choices. Now this is important, listen well. Just as easily as we became alcoholic or slave to any addiction we can just as easily make ourselves become the child of God that He created us to be. But this is up to the alcoholic-they have to make that choice for themselves. All the people I have known that have truly gotten sober, never craved a drink and became productive happy people in society, God was always at the center of their sobriety.
Put Your Faith, Hope and Trust in God It will be difficult to detach without keeping God near to your heart. God very much cares for you. Sometimes it takes our suffering before we will put our faith and trust in God. God wants us to go to Him for the guidance we need in this life, because it is through him that we can feel peace again,
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even if we are going through trials and tribulations, God provides us with more faith to endure the hardships in our life and the wisdom to handle our hardships in principled, Godly ways. We must believe this. Suffering produces perseverance and perseverance character. Romans 9:3 God lets us know that He will take care of us. We must trust and believe what God says is true. Just because you are suffering this minute – right now – today, does not mean God doesn’t care. God knows how much we can handle and God cares very much for our spiritual and physical wellbeing. God is only going to give us what we can handle. God would never hurt us; He just wants us to grow in wisdom and knowledge through Him, and not from the false hopes and uncertainties that the world offers. The world has nothing for us. Love, Hope, Faith, and Eternal Life are with God. “I have told you these things, so that IN ME you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. (John 16:33) Sometimes we have to go thru hard times to “see” God and accept Christ for our life. God wants to forgive us, but if we don’t let Him in, then how can we be forgiven? It’s kind of like an alcoholic who remains in denial about the existence of their drinking problem – only when they bottom out, or feel like it is the end of the world and they “see” they have a problem, will they get help for themselves. "Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for doing what is right, you are blessed." "Do not Fear what they fear; do not be frightened." (1 Peter 3:13-14) "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you like the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27) The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in
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whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. (Psalm 18:2)
Pray For The Alcoholic I can’t tell you how important the process of daily prayer can be. Not only does it bring you closer to God but it will also get you into the habit of going to God with your life challenges. God does hear your cries of pain and He will give you the answers you need to get through your trials and tribulations, even if your spouse continues to drink. Be patient and remain faithful in the Lord and He will deliver you from your suffering. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Philippians 4:6)
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Part II How Can I Help My Spouse Get Sober? Do Not Enable – Do Not Rescue! 10 Obvious Ways We Enable or Rescue 10 Subtle Ways we Enable or Rescue Don’t Fuss and Argue with the Alcoholic Back off from the Alcoholic and Rescue YOU Stay on Top of the Addiction Do’s and Don’t for Enablers and Rescuers Let the Alcoholic Take Responsibility 7 Ways a Loved One Rescues 7 Ways a Loved One Enables Help for the Typical Enabler Stop Putting Band-Aids on the Alcoholics Wounds Emotionally Detach from the Alcoholic Don’t Drown with the Alcoholic
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Stop Believing You Can Get Them Sober We should never do anything to help the alcoholic to drink. Spouses of alcoholics absolutely have to take the enabling and rescuing aspect of addiction seriously if they want to really help the alcoholic. This is what tough love is all about. Be tough but be loving at the same time. Ironically, helping and rescuing the alcoholic is what keeps the alcoholic in denial, and as long as they don’t think there is a problem they will never get sober.
Quitting Drinking Is Easy, Staying Sober Is Difficult Addicts almost always have underlying emotional qualms and baggage within them from their past that they are not willing to confront. Whether it is shame, guilt, anger, resentment, or denial it will keep the alcoholic drinking and the addict using. Past baggage plays out in our lives in several different forms, alcoholism is just one way we act out with our emotional baggage. Some people eat too much, work too much, gamble, look at pornography, and have anger management problems. This is why staying sober is difficult, without God. We ALL need God because God is our healer—he is our source for strength. For the alcoholic or drug addict to get sober and stay sober they must confront and overcome their demons. The only real way that I know to do that is through the power of Jesus Christ working in the alcoholic’s life. Jesus lives in us and when we put our faith and trust in him, he will provide for our needs, whether those needs are overcoming addiction or giving us comfort in time of suffering.
10 Obvious Ways We Enable or Rescue The Alcoholic 1. You appease them when they are drinking 2. You drink with them 3. You take them to the store to buy alcohol 4. You pay their bills 5. You pay their court fines 6. You bail them out of jail 7. You fight and fuss back 8. You make excuses to the boss, the kids, and their friends 9. You clean up their vomit and other messes 10. You tuck them into bed after they have passed out on the floor or car
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10 Subtle Ways We Enable or Rescue The Alcoholic 1. You let them define you and tell you how you feel 2. You let them tell you what you are going to do when they are drunk 3. You talk to them or fight back with them while they are drinking 4. You disrespect them 5. You threaten to leave 6. You let them see how worried you are about them 7. You allow moments of sobriety to put you in denial 8. You remain hush-hush about his or her drinking problem to others 9. You allow them to batter you with disrespect, accusations and hurtful words (you do need to walk away from this abuse while they are drinking, but the next, day when they are sober, remind them of this abuse and let them know it is intolerable) 10. You are in denial with them or you don’t realize they are sick The bottom line is with an alcoholic the little reactions we make means something totally different to the alcoholic than it does to us. Each small behavior or reaction from us reinforces something within the alcoholic to help keep them trapped in the addiction.
Do Not Fuss and Argue With The Alcoholic Alcoholics love to argue and fuss—it’s what they do best. Most alcoholics once they start drinking get disrespectful and downright nasty. They want someone to blame for their unhappiness and that someone is invariably the person or people they are closest too, the spouse and or family members. You cannot stop the alcoholic from spewing their garbage in your face, no matter how much you plead, scream, beg, fuss, or argue back. In fact…the more you argue and fuss with them the more they will argue and fuss back! But you can walk away, leave the house for a while, go into another room and lock the door, or take a walk. Fighting, fussing, and arguing will not get you anywhere with the alcoholic. It would be complete nonsense to think it would. The
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alcoholic loves to argue, blame and accuse. This makes them feel better about themselves, and when you argue and accuse back you become trapped in the addiction with them. If you are trapped in the addiction with them, how can you help them? My husband used to wear earplugs to drown me out when I started on a rampage with him. He learned to never fight and argue with me, He’d pay no attention to my fussing until the next morning when I was sober. And then of course he would relate back to me some of what I said and did while drinking. I would sometimes behave crazy and irrational. That’s addiction for you. Relating back to the alcoholic his or her behavior is a method to get the alcoholic to realize they have a drinking problem. And this is what you need to do with the alcoholic you love and live with. You can audio record them when they don’t know it and you can video tape them during one of their alcoholic tirades. Then, the next day, before they start drinking again, show them how stupid and ridiculous they are when drinking. They may shriek in horror about their wild behavior or possible won’t show you their real emotions because then they would have to admit they have a problem. No matter how they react, keep doing this. Always follow with something positive and good about the person by looking under the guise of the alcoholic and seeing the person. Remind them what a good husband/wife and person they are when they are sober. This process separates the person from the alcoholic, which is what you want to do. God doesn’t make alcoholics, we choose to abuse it.
Back Off From The Alcoholic and Rescue You! The book I wrote for Heaven Ministries called The Alcoholism Trap discusses in great detail about the enabling and rescuing aspects of loving and living with an alcoholic. It will encourage you to take the steps needed to back off from the alcoholic and rescue you before you become trapped with the alcoholic in the addiction. This is a wonderfully useful book on addiction because there is also a section in there that encourages the alcoholic to sobriety and helps them to understand “why” they drink.
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Loved ones of alcoholics need to take care of themselves, not the alcoholic. This works in two ways to help the alcoholic. Once you release your attachment to the negative aspects of the addiction and you learn to not enable or rescue the alcoholic, they will have to take responsibility for themselves and realize they have a problem, and can now take the needed steps towards healing. The other way this works is once you climb out of the addiction and start healing yourself, they will want that for themselves also. They will become intimidated and demoralized to see that you aren’t trapped and controlled with them, and that you are happy, even though they are drowning in a pitiful existence of alcoholism. You don’t have to separate yourself physically from the alcoholic to do this. Our book The Alcoholism Trap and this marriage healing report shows you how to emotionally detach with the least amount of stress on the household and rest of family.
Stay on Top of the Addiction To stay on top of the addiction you will need to always be prepared, watchful and one step ahead when dealing with the addicted person and the symptoms of their behavior. The number one thing that keeps the addict addicted is the enabler and rescuer person whoever that might be. For an addicted parent it would be the spouse and the children. For an addicted child that would be a parent, peers and friends, and other close family members such as siblings. You have to stay on top of the addiction. Here’s how it works. Even though the alcoholic seems to be running the show, they aren’t. You’re still steering the boat, unless you give them the helm by helping them to drink. The alcoholic loves to feel like they are in control, but once you start detaching from them when they are drinking, and stop taking responsibility for their actions, they will finally see they have a drinking problem, and are really not in control after all. You taking care of yourself is what brings them out of denial, which is the first step toward sobriety. Enablers and rescuers (family members and even friends), unbeknownst
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to them, reinforce the addiction and the alcoholic’s behavior; they literally help him or her to drink. Most alcoholics don’t believe they have a drinking problem and that’s because family and friends take responsibility for the addiction and most of the behavior that comes along with it. As long as someone is taking responsibility for him or her they do not have to admit they have a problem!
Do’s and Don’t for Enablers and Rescuers * Don’t argue with a drinking person * Don’t talk bad about him or her to others—it will get back to them and they will use it against you * Don’t keep score * Don’t behave self-righteous, or as if you are better than they are (God loves us all and if the addict wants to get sober they will) * Do not buy them alcohol or drive them to go get alcohol * Don’t drink with them * Don’t socialize with them when they are drinking * Don’t help them to bed—let them sleep wherever they pass out * Don’t clean up after them * Don’t bail them out of jail or pay their fines * Don’t call the boss and give excuses * Don’t make excuses for their behavior to anyone * Don’t hide the fact they have a drinking problem * Do tell them they are very sick emotionally and spiritually (but only when they are NOT drinking) * Do let them know you are praying for them * Do leave Alcoholic Anonymous literature out in the open, or any good information about alcoholism for them to see and read * Do talk to children and other close family members about a family intervention * Do tell them you love them and will be supportive when they are ready to get help * Do be a good example of Christ working in you (be the light of Christ for the alcoholic) * Do reinforce the good character traits of the person when they are not
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drinking (build them up and encourage them) * Do audio record or video tape them while they are in an alcoholic tirade (show it back to them the next day) * Do love and support the person, but once they start drinking again, detach emotionally * Do rescue yourself and stay on top of the escapades of addiction
The Alcoholic Needs To Take Responsibility The alcoholic must be allowed to take responsibility for themselves and for the addiction. The alcoholic does not realize the ramifications of their alcoholic behavior on others because alcohol takes away all inhibitions and modesty from them. They do not know that they are stunted emotionally because they can’t perceive themselves or their behavior. All they can see is how YOU always seem to be overreacting and giving in to their alcoholic whims and behaving moody with them. Do you see where I’m going with this? They think YOU are the one with the problem, not them! What stands out most for the alcoholic is the behavior of a resentful enabler. Circumstances are different in every home, but perhaps you nag and complain to them about their drinking, which is understandable, especially when you don’t know any other way to react. Perhaps you talk badly about them to your children? Or maybe you call them names and blame them for the failure of your marriage. Or perhaps you threaten to leave them if they don’t stop drinking. Whatever you say and do will affect the alcoholic and how they react and treat their addiction. Do you understand how that works? I certainly understand why someone who lives with an alcoholic would behave this way, but it is not helping either one of you – it is a non-productive way to handle all aspects of the addiction. When we nag and complain we come off as people who have no control over our emotions, thus the alcoholic is justified to drink. When we talk bad about the alcoholic to others it shows that we are just as bad off as the alcoholic, thus gives the alcoholic excuse to continue drinking. Exercise: Write down the do’s and don’ts above and keep them in a private journal—study them every day until you remember to make the do’s and don’ts a
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practice in your life. Make them a habit for your own well-being and sanity. Too many times wives intervene by either trying to control the alcoholic or they become angry and abusive themselves with the alcoholic, or being the alcoholic’s savior/rescuer so that it keeps the alcoholic in denial. Some spouses give up and start drinking with the alcoholic. None of this is going to help you or the alcoholic in your life. Keep your focus on God, and not on the alcoholic. Keep praying and ask for God’s guidance so you don’t give up! God is your encouragement and support. Its ironic how this works but spouses, parents, siblings, and children of alcoholics can be a detriment to the alcoholic unless they learn to stop enabling and rescuing the addict. Only when the alcoholic comes out of denial will they admit they have an addiction and will begin to explore the possibilities of wellness. But here’s the problem with that. Addicts enjoy their substance of abuse so much that they keep telling themselves they can quit at any time and that they don’t have a problem. How can the addict come out from their denial and realize they have a problem? Coming from an alcoholic background and abusing alcohol myself in the past (15 years ago), I can honestly say that usually something drastic has to happen to the addict before they will own up to having a problem. But by then, it may be too late. Too late to repair relationships, marriages, families, and revive lost lives. It may be too late for the past, but that does not mean that an addict cannot receive healing and repair the past the best they can, right? Not all addicts have to bottom out before they become aware to the fact they have a problem, but in most instances they do. So knowing this, what can the loved one of an addict do to help the addict come to the realization of their problem, without the addict falling head first in the mud and maybe destroying more lives in the process? First, understand how you rescue the alcoholic. 7 Ways a Loved One Rescues
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1.
2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.
They lie to the children and other family members They help them to bed They take over, most of, if not all responsibilities and duties They call the boss and make excuses They pay the bills or their part of the bills They bond them out of jail They sweep the alcoholic’s behavior under the rug
Hint* To help the alcoholic come out of denial before they hurt themselves or someone else in the process is to STOP DOING EVERYTHING for them. And if your children are above the age of ten-years old, I suggest you talk to them about a parent’s addiction before they begin to hate him or her for inappropriate and or misplaced emotions charged upon them when the alcoholic goes on a drinking tirade. They need to know that their mom or dad is sick.
7 Ways a Loved One Enables 1. 2. 3. 4.
They are in denial too They drink with them They buy them alcohol They get overly emotional and angry with him or her when he is drunk 5. They complain and nag about the alcoholics behavior and call them names 6. They drown with him by becoming overly obsessed with his or her emotional upheavals 7. They try to control the addict and every aspect of the addiction Hint* anytime you become emotionally involved in a negative way with an addict, it becomes apparent to the addict that YOU are the one with the problem. And technically you are drowning with the alcoholic when you become so attached to the problem through your rescuing and enabling behaviors. It is always best to remain detached and aloof to the antics of the alcoholic, even if they are being abusive. Never call names, curse, get overly emotional, threaten, or become angry over what the addict does. You can be the hope and encouragement the alcoholic needs - be judicious in how you deal with the addiction.
Help! I Am The Typical Enabler
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We know your pain and suffering first hand. What can you do? Cut the rope and fast! Our experience comes from both sides. I grew up with an alcoholic step dad. When I got married I was the alcoholic and my husband was the typical enabler. I can now look back on my behavior and see how sick mentally, emotionally and spiritually I really was. Only when my husband stopped enabling the addiction did I get help for myself. Praise God I have been sober for 15 years! My personal testimony is written in our book Journey on the Roads Less Traveled. All spouses of alcoholics are enablers until they realize that their enabling is actually keeping the alcoholic in denial. In fact sometimes the spouse or loved one of an alcoholic or drug addict is just as mentally and spiritually sick as the alcoholic because they allow the addiction to pull them in with it! But you have to come out of the alcoholism trap and start taking care of you! Ironically taking care of you is the only way to help your alcoholic spouse. I remember very clearly when I would go into one of my alcoholic tirades that my husband would simply walk away, or if that didn’t work, left the home with the kids and did something fun together, like a movie or ice cream. In other words, he did not sit around brooding over his drunken wife; instead he went out and enjoyed himself. The alcoholic and all behaviors associated with the addiction is not your fault and it is not your responsibility. The only time it becomes your responsibility is if you know the alcoholic is going to harm himself or someone else. Then you must take the needed steps from that happening. But no other time is alcoholism your responsibility! In other words, you still have the responsibility of being a parent, wife, sibling, or friend of the alcoholic but don’t do anything that would take the problems that are associated with addiction from the addict and make them your problem. For example a wife still needs to cook dinner, whether her husband is an alcoholic or not, but she doesn’t have to make him eat it. Do you see the difference? The foods there if he wants it, and that is all you can do.
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Another example is you DO need to take the car keys from your drinking wife, but you don’t have to drive her to the store to get more alcohol. And still another example is a child still needs to obey alcoholic parents rules of the house out of respect, but he or she should not have to sit next to or around them when they get mentally or physically abusive—that’s wrong. Children and teenagers should not be around the drinking parent at all, ever. The sober parent should be responsible for this if it happens. You are not the victim of alcoholism unless you make yourself BE-come the victim. The only victim is the alcoholic himself. Alcoholics have a need to make everyone around them to become emotional basket cases with them, and they don’t mean to do this, it is just part of the disease. Alcoholics usually carry around a lot of guilt and that guilt sometimes gets relayed back to those they love. Alcoholism is cunning and baffling and it will lasso you in with it. Cut the rope—fast! Don’t let addiction rope you in with it! Don’t be a typical enabler—let go and give it to God!! Every time the alcoholic wants to argue with you and you argue, they are pulling you further into the addiction, deeper and deeper. Anytime the alcoholic abuses you with nasty words, they are pulling you emotionally deeper into the sickness of addiction. Cut the rope! Don’t let them see you crying and brooding over them—take care of YOU!! Go to a movie, or take the kids out for McDonalds. Do something, but don’t sit around taking the alcoholic abuse! By the time you get home they will either have cooled off or passed out. The more you continue to take action such as this, the alcoholic will finally get it. “Oh, every time I scream and abuse they leave. So that’s how it works, uh?” If you allow yourself to become the victim of your spouse’s addiction then your actions, reactions, and behaviors will continue to fuel the addiction. The alcoholic feeds off of other people (enablers) to keep their addiction alive. It’s much like a spider that traps its prey in its web to eat later when they are hungry. It is how they stay alive. You, the enabler keeps the addict’s addiction alive.
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Addiction is so cunning that the alcoholic can manipulate their way into your emotions in such a way to make you believe you are the victim instead of them! Cut the rope! Tough love is all about cutting the rope between you and the alcoholic. Married couples are and always will be attached because God created them as “one flesh” in marriage, but you don’t have to be attached to the symptoms of alcoholism. In fact, when you cut the rope you will essentially be cutting off the symptoms of alcoholism from you, not cutting off your spouse. God doesn’t make alcoholics, we do it to ourselves! Your spouse can get sober and be a happy, productive person in your marriage and the community. The best thing you can do for yourself and for the alcoholic is to cut the rope between you and the alcoholic. In other words, emotionally detach with love from the alcoholic and the alcoholic behaviors. Understand that cutting the rope is not mean or uncaring. On the contrary it is because you love them and want to help them! It is the only way for alcoholics to help themselves. Remember…love the person and hate the addiction. Separate the person from the addiction.
Stop Putting Band-Aids on the Alcoholic’s Wounds Every time the enabler kisses the boo-boo and puts a band-aid on the alcoholic’s wounds, they (the alcoholic) will never fully realize they are sick and need healing. For example, if a person continually gets bad headaches and they cover up the pain with aspirin, they will never understand the root cause of “why” they keep getting headaches, because they keep covering up the symptoms with aspirin. “Why does the alcoholic drink? What circumstances and triggers are present that can be eliminated from the alcoholics life. All triggers can be healed and done away with for good with the right addiction counseling, intervention and Godly support, except for the heredity factor. But just because a parent or grandparent was an alcoholic doesn’t mean the alcoholic can’t get sober and stay sober. That’s ridiculous. Don’t give up because of that. My dad and grandfather were both alcoholics with
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addictive behaviors, and I got sober and many more people do to with alcoholic relatives. NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD WHO GIVES US STRENGTH! You have to allow the alcoholic to tend to his own wounds for a change. If the enabler keeps covering up the wounds the addict will never take charge of his own behavior, reactions, and circumstances. Covering up the alcoholic’s behaviors with band-aids only reinforces in the alcoholic more denial that he or she even has a problem.
Emotionally Detach From the Alcoholic You help the alcoholic best by pulling yourself away emotionally and that takes effort on your part, but you can do it. Love, support, and encourage the alcoholic when they are NOT drinking. Cut the ropes to the disease but love the person. Do not become trapped within the sickness of addiction anymore. You have to start rescuing YOU for a change and you can only do that by letting it go. Ask Jesus to help you to detach with love from the alcoholic. Never underestimate the power of prayer in your life. Keep praying for the alcoholic because God does hear your prayers. He may not answer them right away or in the way you are expecting, but He will be there for you. He knows the suffering and pain you are going through every day. This is precisely why you need to go to Him and ask Him to give you the strength and faith you will need daily to cope with loving an alcoholic. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. (Psalm 25:25) Why do I waste my precious time and energy trying to figure out what makes an alcoholic drink—why he doesn’t consider his family, his obligations, his reputation? All I need to know is that he suffers from a disease—alcoholism, the compulsion to drink. Why shouldn’t I have compassion for him and his illness when I am so ready to feel sorry for people who have other diseases? Do I blame them? Can I cure him by reproaching him? Can I look into his heart and realize the true nature of his sufferings? Quote from the book of ALANON
Don’t Drown with the Alcoholic
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Are you drowning with the alcoholic? Do you feel sad, panicky, depressed, stressed out, helpless, and emotionally and spiritually sick? Don’t go under with the alcoholic, swim quickly back to the shore. So how do you swim to the shore if the alcoholic is trying to pull you under with him or her? Well, the alcoholic is not trying to pull you under with him--the disease of alcoholism is. Separate the two. Love the person and detach emotionally from the disease. Don’t be controlled by alcohol with your spouse. You have to take care of you! If the alcoholic is not in any danger then why interfere with his or her alcoholic shenanigans. Let them be responsible for what he or she does while drinking (remember to audio or video tape these episodes to show them later). You are not responsible for the alcoholic’s behavior when they are drinking, any more than you are responsible for a stranger’s behavior…unless they are endangering their life or the life of another, such as seeking out the car keys to go to the store, or becoming violently abusive with family members. But you are responsible for your behavior. Don’t let alcoholic garbage control your behavior. Swim back to the shore! Once alcoholics have to tread water all by themselves for a change, eventually they may begin to take responsibility for the problem. It’s not your fault they are alcoholic, so why are you acting as if it is? Swim with the alcoholic when they are not drinking, socialize with them, encourage them, love them, but do not enable the drinking. Only after you understand all this about taking care of you will you understand how to help your spouse or other alcoholic loved one. The medical professions calls alcoholism “the insidious disease” and for good reason, it is insidious! The alcoholic is controlled by the insidiousness of alcoholism. He or she is stuck out in the water… but you’re not. You can swim back to shore anytime you want. They can swim back to shore too, but not by their own free will like you can. The addict is powerless to swim back to shore until he or she accepts the workings of Christ in his or her life. The alcoholic needs a spiritual intervention to happen in their life.
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You have to stay one step ahead of the insidiousness of alcoholism to keep yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually well. Don’t let addiction take you down with it. Addiction is cunning and sly and will try and pull everyone into the whirlwind of this sickness with it! But you can be prepared. The more prepared you are for the next round of garbage that comes your way, the better off you will be. Remember, stay one step ahead of it. Anyone can get sober. Skid row bums can get sober if they put their trust with God. You see, that’s the problem. Most alcoholics and drug addicts don’t have a personal relationship with the living Christ. We hide our faults, sins, and weaknesses behind the cloak of addiction instead of going to God and becoming all of the person we can become. I quit drinking several times before I finally got sober for good. Why couldn’t I get sober? Because I didn’t like myself sober. I had to face my demons and that scared me. I finally quit drinking for good NOT because of my own will power but because I allowed God to intervene in my life—I decided to trust in Him for my life. I confronted my emotional problems with God as my healer, teacher, counselor, and guide. My full testimony is in my book Journey on the Roads Less Traveled. Stop Believing You Can Get Them Sober The best way to love an alcoholic spouse or loved one is with detachment towards the behaviors of the disease. Let the alcoholic know that you do love them but it is the addiction you hate. And because you hate the addiction so much you are unable to be around them when they drink. You don’t have to take the abuse at anytime, ever! Become knowledgeable about alcoholism so you can better understand its cunning and baffling ways. Understand, God did not make alcoholics; alcoholics make themselves because they have chosen that path. The alcoholic can get sober but he or she is the one who has to set it in their mind and heart to get sober!!! Don’t ever believe that you can get the alcoholic to quit drinking.
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No matter how much you plead, beg, cry, give him a guilt trip, threaten, or try and control his or her drinking, etc, you can't get them sober. ONLY HE CAN GET HIMSELF SOBER. The Alcoholics chances of getting sober are greater when family members detach from the alcoholic when he or she is drinking – leave him with the responsibility of his drinking behavior. Don’t have anything to do with the problems associated with his behavior, unless it is putting you or other family members in danger. Loving the alcoholic is Not enabling or rescuing them from any aspect of alcoholism. Never give up hope… keep praying and keep your focus on God. The closer your relationship is with God the better you will feel. Have faith that your alcoholic loved one will finally get the inner healing he or she needs to get sober and be the person that God intends them to be. Pray for the alcoholic every day. For we our God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. (Ephesians 2:10)
Part III How to Cope Being Married to and Living with an Alcoholic? Marriage Belongs to God Is Your Marriage Set Apart From the World? Loved Ones of Alcoholics Still Have Responsibilities Understanding God’s Perception on Addiction Healing From Years of Emotional and Mental Abuse Commitment Means Working on our Personal Problems Caught in a Spider’s Trap What Is God’s Will For Your Marriage?
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Facts About Marriage
Are There Exceptions to the Marriage Law? Only Death Ends Marriage There is too much antagonism going on in marriages today. But there is a solution. Most of us, when tough times come butting their heads into our marriage, want out of the marriage, because we cannot see a way out of our problems. Divorce is an easy option, but it is not what God had in mind at all. We do not advocate moving out or divorcing the alcoholic, unless there is physical and or ongoing mental abuse from the alcoholic, and then you may have to separate yourself from the alcoholic. Marriage Belongs To God Marriage is intended to be a sanctified union between a man and a woman and set apart from the world for God and his purpose. What is God’s purpose for you, as a wife or husband, married to an alcoholic? Do you think God wants you to divorce your spouse? Apostle Paul explains to us in great detail what God’s commands are for marriage with an unbeliever. God wants us to remain married to the unbeliever if they are willing to stay in the marriage. Here is how Apostle Paul explains God’s will for us being married to an unbeliever. “To the rest I say this (I, not the LORD): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.” (1 Corinthians 7:12) Scripture reveals that God intends marriage to be permanent and in that case, we do not advocate divorcing an alcoholic spouse. Marriage is a lifetime commitment, through the good as well as the bad times. Bad times are being married to someone who is sick. We do not advise a wife to leave the covering of her husband, even if he is an alcoholic, unless he is physically abusing her.
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We believe that with the right support and encouragement the alcoholic can get sober. We feel that when a spouse divorces an alcoholic it will deter the alcoholic from getting sober. This is why we teach about detachment instead of leaving. When you learn to emotionally detach you will not have to separate from or divorce your spouse. But if an alcoholic is physically abusive when drunk, then you have no choice but to leave. We strongly recommend going to ALANON, where you will learn how to detach from the alcoholic in your life. You will meet other spouses of alcoholics who are going thru the same thing as you are. You may even find some good friends while going to ALANON. Is Your Marriage Set Apart From the World? The key question here, “is your marriage “set apart from the world?” If it isn’t then I suppose the only option you can see is a divorce. But if your marriage is set apart from the world then wouldn’t your option be based upon God’s principles? “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “That at the beginning the Creator made them male and female, and said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” (Matthew 19:4-6) The key declaration from God in this verse is “become one flesh”. How can a mere man tear apart what God created as being one? It’s impossible! Nothing that God has created can be destroyed by man – nothing. Let man not separate. Permanency of marriage is God’s intention. Jesus says in no uncertain terms that marriage is a lifetime commitment. To leave your spouse and marry another may be legal with the state but it is adultery in God’s eyes. God designed marriage to be indissoluble. Jesus said, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits
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adultery. (Luke 16:18) There are no loopholes for divorce in the bible. That doesn’t mean you have to live with an abusive alcoholic either. What other options are there? Ok, well, let’s see, there are worldly options and then there are Godly options. Let’s take a look at the difference between the two.
Being Married to an Alcoholic Does NOT Mean You Don’t Have Responsibilities Adam and Eve were created perfect for each other, just as you and your spouse were created perfect for each other. The only time marriage becomes flawed is when couples stop allowing God to be the architect. What do you think God’s purpose is for your marriage? For one thing, no matter what, you are still your spouses wife or husband, whether you live together or not. You are still a child of God and have responsibilities to yourself and to your children and to do what’s right by God. To be able to do what’s right and to keep your marriage set apart from the world, you must stop focusing so much on the negative aspects of what is going on in your marriage and start focusing on what God can help you accomplish for your marriage. When we take ourselves out of the equation we can look at our alcoholic Spouse with a different attitude, and then you will be able to find your answers and solution through God’s will for you. “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2NIV) This certainly does not mean we have to live with an abusive alcoholic. On the contrary, maybe God wants you to stay separated, for the time being, so the alcoholic will see what they have lost and then gets the healing he or she needs for recovery. Do not underestimate the power of God working in our lives to teach us, heal us, love us, protect and bless us. God does all of those things because we have TRUSTED in Him. Whether you stay in the same house with the alcoholic or not, it must be
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prayed about and then you must wait patiently for God’s answer. He will give you the guidance you need when you let go of your own control over the situation and give it to God. This shows God you have the faith and trust in Him. So many times in my own life, after I give up control over a situation does God show me the way I should go according to His will. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. Romans (4: 20-21) Understanding God’s Perception on Addiction Have you allowed God to strengthen you? The world sees alcoholism and abuse in marriage and the first thing that comes to mind is divorce. God sees alcoholism and abuse in marriage and the first thing He sees is “how can I save these two people from temptations and all of the worlds desires?” You see, God uses people like yourself to help people like your alcoholic spouse. God sees you as someone who can help his or her spouse overcome addiction. God already knew the troubles you both would face before you got married. God never puts us in a situation that we cannot handle. On our own, we cannot handle it, but with the help of God we can get through the bad times in our marriage and become stronger and more faithful people to our spouse and God because of it! God wants you to put your faith and trust in Him and then handle being married to an alcoholic according to His way, not your own. But maybe you need to help yourself first. If you are married to a physically abusive alcoholic, you will need to separate yourself from them. Separating yourself from an abusive alcoholic is the first step. The next step is getting the inner healing you need for yourself and for your children. Understand the separating is temporary; hopefully the alcoholic will get the healing they need. They have to want to get better for themselves and not for you.
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Healing From Years of Emotional and Mental Abuse Where would you start to get healing from years of abuse? I would start with the Word of God. Study and read the bible and get to know God better through reading, studying, prayer and supplication. Ask God into your heart and ask Him to be your protector and counselor. Once we get the healing we need we will come to understand that the alcoholic is spiritually sick—addiction is spiritual bankruptcy. When we are not trapped in the addiction with the alcoholic any longer, we will come to see alcoholism with a different perspective and are able to help him or her to recovery. The fact is when we do not face life's adversities such as addiction through God we don’t grow and learn from them and so we remain stagnant like a dirty pond. If we don’t get the healing we need we will continue to be emotionally damaged by the actions of the alcoholic. God wants us to grow. You see, the Christian life is not about what we want, but what God wants. We have to shift the “me, me, me attitude” over to “what does God want me to do attitude”. This is where the Holy Spirit comes in (our Comforter – our Protector.) Jesus is with all of God’s children but some people don’t know that because they don’t have the faith to believe it. Know that Jesus is with you - talk to Him and He will give you the answers you need. “And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever – the Spirit of Truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you.” (John 14:16-17) Once you have the faith to humble your life to God, you will see clear enough to help the alcoholic in your life. You will understand what your purpose is for your marriage and family. But you can’t do it alone, you NEED Jesus in your life. When we go through suffering in our lives, we tend to seek solutions to
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our problems with the least amount of work, or that seem like the right thing to do at the time. But most of the time divorce is not the answer. A temporary separation would be a much better situation for married couples with the stipulation that the alcoholic seek healing and some kind of alcohol treatment with a good support structure. Alcoholics Anonymous works for some people, but some people get sober without it. Is the alcoholic willing to get help for his or her addiction? Are you willing to seek inner healing for yourself? ALANON for you would be a good starting place. Have you sat down and talked with your spouse, when he wasn’t drinking, and respectfully tried talking to him about his drinking problem? Sometimes we’re so sick and tired of being emotionally and mentally abused we can’t see or think straight to have a normal conversation with the alcoholic in our life. This is why someone such as myself that has been through the problems of addiction can confidently say that the alcoholic is emotionally and spiritually sick now, but he or she may or may not stay that way, depending on what you both do about the situation today!
Commitment Means Working on our Personal Problems True commitment from couples in marriage looks for ways to save the marriage, while working on the problems they have created in the marriage. It’s simple, really, your husband works on his own healing and you work on your own healing. These are both personal and separate areas in each of your lives that keep you focused on “what you can do for yourself” rather than negatively focusing on each other. Mediate and think about this: If you seek divorce because of a hurdle in your marriage, where is that going to get you? What will you have learned? Yes, its easy to walk around a hurdle when it comes butting its head in you marriage, but it feels a whole lot better to jump that hurdle and learn through your problems rather than trying to find easy outs. It is what will make you both stronger people and better people for each other!
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Believe me, we know this first hand, Frank and I. “Progress begins when we stop trying to control the uncontrollable, and when we go on to correct what we have the right to change, (ourselves)” -- Quote from the AL-ANON book. Do you think your spouse would be abusive if he or she weren’t drinking? How do they behave when they are not drinking? Are they quiet, withdrawn and unsociable? These are traits typical in alcoholics when they aren’t drinking because they are hurting emotionally. Low self-esteem keeps them withdrawn from others, sometimes even family. Alcohol cravings are not just physical but emotional too. But as the months pass and the alcoholic is getting the spiritual, emotional and physical healing they need, these traits disappear and the person is able to enjoy a happy and content filled life in their marriage. Understand that alcoholics do not know “how to love” and this is a big reason why you feel unloved by your spouse. No person can truly love another appropriately unless they themselves have love within them to give, which comes from having Christ in our lives and understanding how Christ works within our lives. God is love! God sent His Son to show us how to love! This was Christ’s whole mission and ministry. Jesus is our Teacher, Counselor, and King! Jesus Christ helps us to remain committed to our spouse through the good times and the bad times. You have to look at alcoholism as one of the bad times. You can overcome through your personal healing and growth in God. I talk about this in my personal testimony of overcoming alcoholism and the addiction to my feelings, in my book Journey on the Roads Less Traveled. This book takes you on my personal journey of how alcoholism affected me personally in my marriage and how I overcame through God. I didn’t get sober on my own doing; it was God’s power over me that gave me my life back.
Being Caught in a Spider’s Trap is What Addiction is Like
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One reason I think so many couples get divorced because of an addicted spouse is they are ignorant about what addiction really is. That, and of course the abuse a loved one endears can be quite treacherous, especially if you don’t know how to detach and you have been an enabler to the alcoholic. Typical enablers spend great amounts of their emotional and mental energies consumed by the alcoholic’s behaviors. To read more about this, see our marriage healing report called How Can I Help Get My Spouse Sober? Addiction is a selfish illness that keeps the addicts only caring about themselves. It’s not that the alcoholic doesn’t want to love you, or can’t love you were they sober, but addiction is like being caught in a spider’s trap. The craving for alcohol keeps the addict stuck in the web of alcoholism. The alcoholic becomes so wrapped up within their own hurt they can’t see beyond that hurt to realize that those around them are also hurting. Having gone through this situation in my own marriage, I absolutely believe that there is healing for the alcoholic if they are willing to humble their lives to Jesus Christ. That’s all it takes. A simple “letting go” of our baggage, hurts and sufferings, and giving our life to God and letting Him heal our wounded soul. In some cases the alcoholic has to bottom out, so to speak, and lose something important to them, before they realize they have a drinking problem. Separating, for a time, from the alcoholic can be productive only when both couples realize it is for spiritual growth and personal healing. Sometimes, especially with one being addicted, it helps to stay in touch often and to continue working on saving the marriage. In other words, separation should not be made into something negative, but something positive, so you both can continue growing in the Lord and working on yourselves for the betterment of the marriage. Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord. (Psalm 31:24) There is much hope. But it is all up to you—it is in your hands. Your
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marriage is not over until you both give up on the marriage. I believe deep down people do not really want a divorce, but the alcoholism in your marriage is draining you mentally and emotionally, I know. Perhaps you see no future right now with your spouse because the pain and suffering is blocking your view. But I see a silver lining in the clouds. What looks gloomy, depressing and hopeless now may look different in a week, three months, or six months from now. But you both have to come together and be willing to save the marriage. No marriage can be saved if the couples give up! Don’t give up!
What Is God’s Will For Your Marriage? The bottom line is, biblically speaking God intends marriage to be permanent. Pray about this with your husband, if possible. What is God’s will for your marriage? Meditate on this one question and sincerely seek the answers and guidance your marriage needs. Wait on the Lord. Be patient. Don’t expect an answer right away…the answer may come to you in an inopportune time, when you least expect it, and when it does, you will know what to do. Don’t let your suffering of today make your fate for tomorrow. This is what most people do because they don’t have the encouragement to seek God’s will for their life and they give up. Divorce is giving up! But we at Heaven Ministries are urging you now to see the light of tomorrow through the clouds, to know that what seems hopeless today will not seem so hopeless tomorrow. We invite wives to email Angie for support and encouragement and Husbands to email Frank. And for a donation to our ministry, whatever is set in your heart, we also do phone counseling with both husband and wife present. We do know what you’re going through—we’ve conquered it and so can you! Seek solutions with God at the forefront of those solutions and watch, wait and be patient and let God guide you through the process of learning to
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accept His will for your marriage and your life. Don’t put your trust with the world—put your trust with Jesus. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6) To end this marriage healing report on addiction, we have left you with an excellent bible study on divorce and remarriage. Study this together with your spouse, when they are NOT drinking and come together in prayer and decide what is important to you and for your marriage.
Basic Facts About Marriage * God is the author of marriage: Genesis 2:18-24 * Marriage is permanent: Matthew 19:6 * Marriage is based on the principled practice to love one another, not on feelings: Ephesians 5:21-33 * Marriage is a Living Symbol of Jesus Christ and the Church: Ephesians 5:23-32 God’s Word does not change because of one’s circumstances, events, position or conditions. The bible is the Christians instruction book for righteous Christian living, regardless of who you are, where you are, or what the circumstances are. Remarriage while your first spouse is still living, no matter where or how you got married is considered adultery to God. I’m not saying this, God is. “Anyone who divorces his wife (spouse) and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” (Luke 16:18) “To the married I give this commands (Not I but the LORD): a wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.” (1 Corinthians 7:10-11)
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Please get your bible and concordance out and lets do the biblical study on marriage, divorce, and remarriage below.
Are There Exceptions to the Marriage Law? And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his WIFE, EXCEPT IT BE FOR FORNICATION, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. Matthew 19:9 Does Matthew 19:9 allow a man to divorce his wife if she commits adultery? No. The New Testament gives no grounds for divorce. When Jesus made an exception to the marriage law at Matthew 5:32 and 19:9, it was for a betrothed wife, not a real wife. Betrothed wife
To understand why the word WIFE is used at Matthew 5:32 and 19:9, we need to know a little about Jewish customs because Matthew was writing to a Jewish audience. Jews had a social practice called "BETROTHAL," which is similar to engagement today. Betrothal starts when a couple agrees to give themselves to each other in marriage and ends in the actual marriage. Jewish betrothal is different from modern-day engagement in one significant way. Once a couple was betrothed, they were regarded by the rest of society as "one flesh" and were called husband and wife. Usually within a year to eighteen months after becoming betrothed, the couple consummated the marriage. In modern society during the period of engagement, if the couple change their minds, they break up and start over again. In Jewish society, however, once a couple is betrothed, they could not just call it quits. A betrothed couple in Jewish society had to obtain a LEGAL DIVORCE. Even though they were only engaged and had never lived together as man and wife, they were considered married and must get a divorce if they wanted to separate. This custom can be proved from the scriptures.
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Mary is called "wife" Look at Matthew 1:18-20 and 24-25. Here is a passage most of us have read many times and possibly missed a powerful truth that reveals this Jewish custom. Notice that Joseph and Mary are called HUSBAND and WIFE, even though they were only betrothed or engaged: Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise; When as his mother Mary was ESPOUSED (engaged) to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost. Then Joseph HER HUSBAND, (espoused, but called husband) being a just man, and not willing to make her a public example, was minded to put her away privily. (Literally, divorce her) Notice that even though they had not yet consummated the marriage, Joseph was considering divorcing Mary. But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream, saying, "Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee MARY, THY WIFE: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost."
Then Joseph being raised from sleep, did as the angel of the Lord had bidden him and took unto him HIS WIFE: and KNEW HER NOT till she had brought forth her firstborn son; and she called his name Jesus. Jesus, being raised in Jewish society, was aware of this Jewish custom of being considered husband and wife during the betrothal period. Matthew records this special provision, not as a universal exception, but only as a clarification to the Jews concerning the betrothal relationship. The exception is for a betrothed couple when FORNICATION is committed BEFORE their marriage vows make them one flesh for life. The principle of the permanency of marriage that Jesus teaches applies only to those who have consummated their marriage, not to those who are merely
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betrothed. No Exception in Parallel Passages With this understanding of Jewish custom, Matthew 5:32 and 19:9 concur with the other parallel passages of Luke 16:18 and Mark 10:11. If we take out the "EXCEPT IT BE FOR FORNICATION" clause, then Matthew 19:9 is almost identical to Luke 16:18: Whosoever shall put away his wife and shall marry another, committeth adultery; and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. (Matthew 19:9 with fornication clause removed).
Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery. Luke 16:18 Matthew 19:9 appears to make an exception to the marriage covenant that is not made in the parallel passages at Mark 10:11 and Luke 16:18. But when the passage is viewed without the exception clause, it harmonizes with the rest of the New Testament teachings on marriage. Fornication vs. adultery Another reason we know the exception clause is referring to a BETROTHED WIFE and not a real wife, is that Jesus makes the exception for FORNICATION, not for adultery. FORNICATION is illicit sex between an UNMARRIED couple. If Jesus was referring to a real wife, why didn't He say "except it be for adultery"? The word translated "fornication" is "porneia" in Greek. "Porneia" generally means illicit sexual relations between an UNMARRIED couple. If a real wife were unfaithful, she would commit adultery, not fornication. The modern translations sometimes confuse the issue because they
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translate the Greek word PORNEIA not as fornication, but as the general term "sexual immorality." However, none of the modern translations we have seen translate PORNEIA as adultery. If Jesus meant to say adultery is grounds for divorce, why wasn't a derivative of the Greek word "Moichao" used? That is the word translated as adultery in the same verse. "Moichao" (adultery) occurs when a married person violates wedlock. Let us assume that fornication means adultery in Matthew 5:32 and 19:9. Then we could assume that if a spouse commits adultery, it is grounds for divorce and subsequently, remarriage. But how can this be? It flies in the face of what Jesus and Apostle Paul speak about so clearly elsewhere in the New Testament. Earlier in Matthew, Chapter 19, verse 6, Jesus says that a man and woman are joined as one flesh and no man can divide them. To seek a divorce, is to allow a man to separate what God has put together. Both Jesus and Apostle Paul teach that those who divorce and marry another commit adultery. Once the marriage has been consummated, there are no escape clauses. Marriage is until death do you part.
Only Death Ends Marriage Paul confirms Jesus' teaching of being one flesh for life by saying in effect: If you separate, stay single or reunite with your only spouse, for if you do remarry before your partner dies, you are an adulterer or an adulteress; and adulterers SHALL NOT INHERIT THE KINGDOM OF GOD. (See 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 and 7:11) When one becomes a eunuch, he cannot go back to his former state. When one marries, they cannot go back to the unmarried state. Marriage is permanent. No wonder Christ's disciples said to Him, "If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry" (Matthew 19:10). Does Jesus allow a man to divorce his wife because of adultery? No, the scripture remains true, the only way out of marriage is death.
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For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband. So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man. Romans 7:2-3 God designed marriage to be a lifetime commitment. Marriage is permanent. God’s teachings are not something that just because we disagree with certain scripture we can put aside. God’s teachings are there to show us the right way for Christian living, and they are there for our own discipline so we may serve Him in righteousness and love and honor God with our marriage.
Part IV (Bonus Ebook for the Alcoholic)
How Can I Get Sober, Stay Sober and Be Happy? How Alcoholism Controls Your Life Alcoholic is NOT who you are Poor Diet Keeps the Alcoholic Craving Alcohol 5 Triggers That Spark Addiction When a Non-alcoholic Takes a Drink This is What Happens When an Alcoholic takes a Drink this is What Happens Conquering the Emotional Aspects of Alcoholism Healing Takes the Work of God What Happens If I Relapse? What Hurdles Trigger a Relapse? Still Living in the Past Not Committed to Quitting
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Not Committed to Quitting Birds of a Feather Flock Together Unhealthy Diet Keeps the Alcoholic Craving How You Can Get Sober and Stay Sober for Good! Give Your Addiction to God How Alcoholism Controls Your Life Does this sound like you? It happens without warning. It creeps into your life and all of a sudden, you’re hooked. At first you’re the life of the party, and later you’re the drunk of the party. When you’re young, twenties and thirties, your body can handle all the booze, no problem. But mentally it impairs the way you view and feel the world around you, but you, the alcoholic don’t know that, at least not until you are seriously sober. Most of the time, alcoholics don’t know that alcohol has taken hold of their life. This is called the denial stage. Alcoholics feel if they can get up and go to work everyday, even though secretly they have an excruciating headache, they don’t have a problem. And this kind of lifestyle may go on for years and years, for some people. But for most people alcohol takes its toll on them and from there it begins the downward spiral of alcohol abuse. But what keeps the alcoholic going throughout the workday is in knowing that after work, they’ll have those highballs or beers, which will in fact; make them feel like their old self again. The problem is, that’s not your old self, but your new old self on alcohol! You see, alcohol changes the person we are inside, not only does alcohol, with time, rot our insides, but it rots what comes from within us. What we do, how we treat others, and our spirituality. The potential to be a whole person has been put on hold because of alcohol. The booze stunts the mental capacities and impairs the ability to see the world clearly enough to get passed our weakness and mistakes. Alcoholism keeps us from God. How do I know this? Because I denied God when I was still in denial of alcoholism.
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Alcohol is not only physically addicting, but mentally and emotionally addicting as well. An alcoholic might believe they feel and look better while drinking; or they might THINK they can still drive a car; they don’t realize their reflexes have slowed down; or they think they are better communicators after a few martinis. But nothing is further from the truth. Alcoholics don’t know God. Ah yes, alcoholic Christians may say things that your ears want to hear. They even go to church every Saturday and Sunday, but what are their actions telling you. What fruits do you see shine bright in the alcoholic? Spiritually speaking the alcoholic has allowed other sources to be His God, namely, Mr. Jim Beam. Until Mr. Beam gets out of the picture, he will literally master the alcoholic and his mind. This is how alcohol takes control of the alcoholic’s life! Their thinking is literally impaired! The alcoholics don’t really have a mind of their own. Alcohol speaks for them. Many decisions an alcoholic makes are based on or around drinking. Most alcoholics think they are independent minded, but they are far from being independent thinkers. Unbeknownst to the alcoholic who is in denial is how dependent minded they really are. Always concerned about when and where they are going to get their next drink. Alcoholics will make up acceptable reasons WHY they can drink. It’s a fact of life that seventy five percent of an alcoholics waking mind is spent on thinking about drinking or drinking alcohol. Alcoholics have a hard time growing up, even when they are adults. Their reasoning is not sound, but foolishness to the ears. Because they are locked in their own little world of alcohol, they never mature into the potential of who they can become because they are being drowned with alcoholic lies everyday. It would be naïve of me to sit here and tell you to quit drinking; easier said than done right? Yep, if you’re an alcoholic I know what you’re going through. In our book
Alcoholic Is Not Who You Are Alcoholic is not who you are, but is an affliction that has taken over your life, controlling the person God meant for you to be. You are a beautiful Child of God, even if you don’t believe in God. God still loves you. Because
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Child of God, even if you don’t believe in God. God still loves you. Because God loves you, you have the ability to totally defeat all aspects of alcoholism from your life. If you so choose, God will make you strong and give you the faith and courage to conquer alcoholism for good! You have to decide, “Who you are”. Are you a person who originated from an oyster, monkey, or gorilla? Where did you come from? Are you just another body of the millions of bodies simply roaming the earth who have no set purpose for their life? If you have an attitude like this, you probably won’t get sober, or won’t be able to stay sober for very long. That’s the reality of addiction.
God has a purpose for you, whether you want to believe it or not. If “alcoholic’ were who you are then you would not be able to change and get sober and stay sober.
Poor Diet Keeps The Alcoholic Craving Alcohol “Study after study has demonstrated that the vast majority of alcoholics are hypoglycemic. In one conducted by J. Poulos, D. Stafford, and K. Carron, fifty outpatient alcoholics and fifty halfway-house alcoholics were compared with a control group of one hundred nurses and teenagers. Of the one hundred alcoholics, ninety-six proved to be hypoglycemic; only fourteen of the nonalcoholic controls were hypoglycemic. A three-year study by Robert Meiers, M.D., in Santa Cruz, California, found that more than 95 percent of alcoholics studied suffered from low blood sugar” The addiction to alcohol, in the physical sense, is probably the hardest aspect of alcoholism to conquer. An alcoholic literally craves the sugar in the alcohol. The brain continually sends signals of needing a fix of sugar because the pancreas just isn’t doing its job properly. This malady has a lot to do with the eating lifestyle of the alcoholic. All alcoholics are nutritionally deficient and most likely hypoglycemic. Have you ever noticed how usually an alcoholic will not eat sugary foods unless they can’t get an alcohol fix? That is because they are getting their cravings met through the sugar in the alcohol. Low blood sugar is the culprit. Many alcoholics wake up in the morning and douse their coffee with lots of sugar or they drink sugary soda pops that relieve the attack of low blood
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sugar or they drink sugary soda pops that relieve the attack of low blood sugar. For physical healing and to lessen the physical cravings to alcohol, the alcoholic absolutely needs to begin to eat a good daily diet of whole grains, fish, beans, legumes, and fresh fruits and vegetables. They need to replenish the minerals they have lost. This means no processed or refined sugar foods, whatsoever. If it is not whole and natural, simply don’t eat it. Once the body is back on track to wellness, the cravings for alcohol will subside considerably. But don’t take my word for it, try it and see for yourself.
5 Triggers That Spark Addiction Alcoholism is created in our lives because of underlying triggers and circumstances being present within our bodies and environment. These factors are physical, heredity, environmental, emotional and spiritual. 1. The physical craving for alcohol is the brain telling us that we think we need the sugar: the physical aspects of addiction have a lot to do with diet. (Our new book, Sugar Overload Syndrome talks a great deal about physical addiction to alcohol and the connection the alcoholic has to hypoglycemia.) 2. Past baggage is the emotional, mental, and sometimes spiritual aspects that can often trigger addiction. 3. Environmental is people we are close to that are alcoholic or were alcoholic. For instance, if a person grew up with an alcoholic parent, that person is more likely to become an alcoholic or marry an alcoholic. 4. The spiritual is the connection the alcoholic has with God. 5. Heredity is genes from an alcoholic parent or grandparent. All of the above are major triggers that reinforce addiction in a person. These triggers can be healed and that is how the addict becomes sober and stays sober. The alcoholic can’t just stop drinking and think they are healed; there is more to it than that. If the alcoholic just stops drinking and does not take action to heal and or change his circumstances/environment/diet then he will most likely not stay sober for very long. The good news is hypoglycemia is treatable through diet; I know this first hand because I used to have hypoglycemia. The physical symptoms of alcoholism are the craving of sugar, which causes the alcoholic to feel they
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alcoholism are the craving of sugar, which causes the alcoholic to feel they NEED a drink. The physical aspects of addiction are craving of sugar, not the craving of alcohol. The craving for the high that alcohol produces comes from our emotional addiction to alcohol. I realized this on my own about 20 years ago. Let me explain. I truly believe that when the alcoholic UNDERSTANDS how alcoholism works on the body they are more prepared to take the steps toward the healing they need. Alcoholism and low blood sugar (hypoglycemia) almost always go hand in hand. Where there is alcoholism, there is low blood sugar. I was diagnosed with hypoglycemia when I was 14-years old. My low blood sugar was not from alcohol but from poor diet. I ate a lot of sugary foods and soda pop when I was young. Unfortunately when I had my first drink, I was hooked physically. It made me feel better in all areas of my life. Alcoholism creates low blood sugar and the constant craving to drink. But understand just because a person may have low blood sugar, does not mean they will become alcoholic. It almost always works the other way around; meaning alcohol abuse creates low blood sugar. Alcoholics usually have most of the other triggers as well that predispose them to alcoholism. To heal the physical aspect of addiction to alcohol one must change diet to eating only natural whole grains and natural sugars from natural sources. After two weeks of not eating any chemically processed sugar, including alcohol and processed grains (white flours) the body goes through many positive changes. These positive changes begin to work on healing the pancreas; liver and kidneys as well as balancing out the brains hormones so the alcoholic will not crave alcohol. A whole grains, beans, lentils, fish, whole fruits and vegetable diet will also help with emotional outlook, such as with depression and bipolar. When A Non-Alcoholic Takes a Drink This is What Happens
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1. Alcohol absorbed into the bloodstream –oxidized (burned) by certain enzymes in the liver. 2. Before alcohol is completely burned by the liver enzymes, it goes to cells where it slows down all metabolism going on there, including that of sugar. 3. In the pancreas, alcohol stimulates excess insulin by blocking the usual “checks” on such excess. 4. Blood sugar drops somewhat by excess insulin. Liver produces more sugar. 5. Cells in the brain increase their demand for sugar because of (4). The liver meets this demand.
When An Alcoholic Takes A Drink This Is What Happens 1. Alcoholic takes a drink. He literally craves his first few drinks because something in his metabolism fails to do its job with the sugar levels in the cells of the brain. 2. The initial alcohol he takes satisfy for the moment his brain cells urgent call for sugar, because alcohol is burned somewhat like sugar. But this does not last long because alcohol then depresses the blood sugar levels to an even greater degree than before. 3. The alcoholic craves more alcohol in an attempt to correct this hypoglycemic (low blood sugar) state. The vicious cycle continues: the brain cells demand more alcohol to replace the lack of sugar! Hence, the alcoholic craves alcohol. If you think you may have low blood sugar I encourage you to start today to find ways to correct the situation. I hope this Ebook and our other health books on alcoholism will help you to find ways in which you can be encouraged to do what it takes towards healing. The first and most important step for the hypoglycemic alcoholic would be to eliminate refined sugars from the diet completely. I believe sugar to be a highly addictive, chemically altered concoction (drug). I highly encourage anyone who is afflicted with alcoholism, depression, bipolar, hypoglycemia, diabetes, and other degenerative diseases, to start today to take care of their health through diet. By the way, for a real physical change, white flour should also be completely
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way, for a real physical change, white flour should also be completely eliminated from the diet. Refined flour is loaded with carbohydrates that literally convert into sugar in the body. But wait! We’re not done yet. Just because you improve your diet doesn’t mean there aren’t other TRIGGERS that predispose you to alcohol addiction. There are two more aspects of addiction that need healing. To learn more about the physical cravings to alcohol, and how diet can help, see our book Sugar Overload Syndrome: Healing Mental and Physical Disorders Naturally
Conquering the Emotional Aspects of Alcoholism The second aspect of alcoholism that must be explored and dealt with for recovery from alcoholism or any addiction for that matter is the emotional and mental qualms within the addict. Most alcoholics have low self-esteems and have a difficult time dealing with stressful situations and the negative emotions within them. A lot of alcoholics are resentful and angry and they take this deep-seated anger out on those closest to them, usually a spouse. Alcoholics have learned, through habit, to medicate their inner turmoil with alcohol. This is what I call the band aid affect. It is only a temporary solution to their emotional problems. Understand that just because the alcoholic is healed physically, through diet, from the cravings of alcohol does not mean they won’t drink—it only means that if they are healed physically from the cravings of alcohol, it is one less trigger causing them to want to drink. In other words, even though they may be on a better diet, the alcoholic still needs emotional and spiritual healing—they may still suffer inside, which triggers drinking. All aspects of addiction must be healed for total sobriety, or it is inevitable the alcoholic will drink again. Just because he or she goes to AA does not mean they will get sober and stay sober. What I have personally witnessed from AA is that people remain lingering in their past on pity-pots, rather than apply the twelve steps to their lives and forgive through Jesus Christ. They are sober but still exhibit signs of being a dry drunk. They attend meeting after meeting, but nothing changes
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being a dry drunk. They attend meeting after meeting, but nothing changes for them. Much forgiveness, humbleness, and honesty with oneself is needed to overcome the emotionally aspects of addiction. The twelve steps are good for applying into your life and then getting past them, not lingering in them. Jesus Christ is needed for putting away the past and starting anew. And from my personal experience from attending two meetings of AA many years ago, most people did not make Jesus Christ the most important aspect of their sobriety. Not to offend anyone, because that is the furthest thing from my mind, but we cannot continue hanging in our selfish lifestyle if we want emotional, mental and spiritual healing. At some point we have to let go of our selfish desires and give our problems to God who gives us the strength and faith to tackle them head on without the need to medicate our emotions with alcohol. Alcoholic Anonymous (AA) did not help me to sobriety. What did was allowing God into my life and humbling myself to Him. I put my TRUST with God rather than alcohol. I was tired of trusting in alcohol. I made God first in every aspect of my life, and today I am free of addiction and I can only attest that my freedom from the control of alcohol was and is the workings of Christ in my life. Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will (Romans 12:1-2) This family chaos and turmoil caused from alcoholism is “why” they call alcoholism “the insidious disease”. I have to admit alcoholism is insidious but since alcoholism can be healed through proper diet and our relationship with Jesus Christ, I do not believe it is a disease. To learn more about healing ourselves emotionally from addiction, check out our book The Alcoholism Trap: Understanding Why You Drink and What You Can Do To Beat Alcohol Addiction For Good and Achieve Total Sobriety.
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Healing Takes the Work of God The spiritual aspect of addiction just means we lack the spiritual Christ from intervening on our behalf from our afflictions—we’re not taking the problem to Him!! It is ironic how most alcoholics have low self-images but yet put themselves on a pedestal, above their Creator. Alcoholics are just selfish— that’s all. They don’t mean to be, it’s just what the addiction does to them— it changes the person God intends them to be because they are controlled by addiction. It is always about “me-me” with the alcoholic, even in bouts of sobriety! Believe me, I know this first hand. We don’t realize how selfish we are until we are completely healed and made whole again in Christ. God created us and is our Source for all of our daily needs. The “me attitude” is what keeps people from God and trusting in Jesus Christ for their sustenance. Instead they trust Coors light and Mr. Jim Beam more than anything else. But this addictive behavior can all change! It can change when the alcoholic decides they cannot live without God directing their life. They must deny self and accept Jesus Christ into their life. The alcoholic must go to God with a sincere heart and begin trusting in Him for the healing they so desperately need. God will heal your heart and restore your mind. God is our healer! The alcoholic must firmly believe that the power of the Holy Spirit within them will protect them and lead them in the right direction towards inner healing. In essence, the alcoholic and anyone who is living a life of sin needs to humble themselves to the Living Christ! “Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it”. Matthew 10:39 All three aspects of addiction need to be healed for total sobriety to take place. An alcoholic cannot skip the spiritual aspect and think they are healed. They can’t continue to eat a poor diet of white flour, and sugars, and junk food and think they are healed, because the brain, minus any “happy hormones” (endorphins) will tell them otherwise and they will still crave alcohol!
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To learn more about total sobriety for the alcoholic and to find out what you can do to help yourself and the alcoholic we suggest The Alcoholism Trap and Sugar Overload Syndrome. SOS also discusses the healing of other emotional and mental ailments within the body, such as depression through diet and herbs. We are always available for encouragement and support through email. What Can a Loved One of the Alcoholic Do to Help? Loved ones always need to keep praying for the alcoholic and be supportive in whatever manner is available to them according to their circumstances. Be encouraging to the alcoholic, especially if they are willing to take the steps needed towards total sobriety. And as the young lady said above in her testimony, she is not angry being married to an alcoholic because she has found God as her comfort and hope, which frees her from falling into the addiction trap with her husband. We pray that you find your peace and contentment in Jesus Christ as well. What Happens If I Relapse? After the initial euphoria of sobriety has waned, usually within a week or two, we may begin experiencing the same negative emotions that prompted us to crave alcohol in the first place. What are these emotions and why do we have them? Why do we feel panicky, anxious, fearful and alone in a world full of people who love and care for us? What happens if we can’t handle the stresses of every day life and we relapse? Understand that you have not failed because you relapse; you are normal because you relapse. Most new addicts who come into sobriety while trying to find their way out of the alcohol and drug trap do so with images of grandeur, but then come to realize sobriety may be more difficult than they imagined. The negative emotions are still there; the cravings are still there; the drinking friends are still there; the old life is still there, now what? It’s courageous to even contemplate getting sober in the first place and because we don’t know what to expect many of us can only imagine what it will be like living alcohol and drug free. At first it’s not grandeur like we
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will be like living alcohol and drug free. At first it’s not grandeur like we had imagined. We keep telling ourselves that one drink won’t hurt. We may even talk ourselves into thinking we can actually drink like everyone else and stop at one or two. But honestly, we can’t just stop at one drink, so get that little guy out of your head. One thing I learned in my addiction years and that is never, EVER allow a relapse to discourage me from coming back to sober free living. As a matter of fact, when we succumb to our addictions we can actually learn from the process of what triggered us to want the drink in the first place. I think a common mistake many addicts make in the first months of sobriety is they confuse relapse with failure and that just isn’t true! Success does not necessarily mean we have achieved that in which we strive for, but that we are willing to strive for what we want and be successful. I don’t know how many articles and books I wrote before I became published. Was I a failure? What if I became disenchanted with the idea of book writing and simply stopped writing? What if I would have stopped trying? Now that would have been failure. I believe an addict is successful the minute they make a decision to not have another drink or do drugs. Do you know why? Because the willingness to confront the addiction is paramount over what s/he actually does. You’ve got to pick yourself back up and try again, and again, and again, if that’s what it takes! Never give up; never lose hope. Life may be treating you bad today, but tomorrow is not today, tomorrow is your future. So what happens if you relapse? Well, you get right back up and conquer the obstacle that got in the way. When life deals you some hard knocks you rebound back wiser than before. Many addicts fall back into their addictions once or twice before they finally come into total sobriety. Total sobriety is more than just being sober, though. Who cares about only being sober? We want complete well-being of mind and body; that’s what total sobriety is and that’s what will help prevent the cravings. In fact total sobriety jumps many of the hurdles that stand in the way of coming out of the addiction trap. We can’t become that new person in mind and body until we jump over a few hurdles first. What are those hurdles? Well, lets take a look at a
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over a few hurdles first. What are those hurdles? Well, lets take a look at a few hurdles of addiction that might trigger a relapse. What Hurdles Will Trigger a Relapse? Still Living For The Past We relapse because we are still living for the past. If there is one thing I have come to know since metamorphosing from a caterpillar into a butterfly is that we have to change the way we think and how we do things. This is what the 12-step program is for. The 12-steps help us to move away from the past through forgiveness, the most important component for sobriety, I think, is learning to forgive others their trespasses against us. Not until we truly forgive will we be able to move away from our past and live for today. We must throw off that old self and that old way of thinking and proceed to develop our character skills by growing away from the hurts and pains of the past, because that is forgiveness. In other words, leave the baggage in the cocoon. We do that by moving in a direction that leads to a forever-sober way of living, whatever that may be. Some people find the twelve-step program a useful and inspirational tool for helping them to move away from the cocoon and into the butterfly stage. Still, others rely heavily on the spiritual path that leads to having a closer relationship with their Creator. Whichever way you decide to grow and learn, understand that transformation must take place before physical, mental and spiritual sobriety can be achieved. Not Committed To Quitting We might relapse because we are not really committed to quitting. I have come to know that if we really want to quit our addiction we have to quit for ourselves and not anyone else. As much as we would like to quit for a spouse, a child, or a parent, we ultimately have to be the ones to choose in our heart to quit for ourselves. The first time I decided to change my life and get sober I did it for my husband. Guess what? I listened to that little nasty voice in my head. He told me it was ok to drink again, really! I missed my best friend, Budweiser, and ultimately my uncommitted heart caved in under the pressure.
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We’ve got to stay on top of these feelings and choose to find a new best friend through a hobby or activity that keeps our mind off the drinking. I remember very well that if we keep listening to our feelings, eventually we will cave in. Get your mind busy with something else and the craving will soon diminish, at least for the time being. One hour at a time, remember? Think of addiction as a “hard to break bad habit.” At first we really have to stay on top of the addiction. We may desire to drink and or use thirty or more times a day, and each time that little voice tells us its ok to give into the addiction. But we have to punch back, and I mean hard. That may mean going to an AA meeting, talking with your counselor, or AA sponsor. It may mean reading scriptures, taking a walk, doing anything to get past that moment of craving a drink. They say to take it one day at a time, but I think it is more like one hour at a time in the beginning. Have you ever listened to the little voice in your head telling you that your addiction is acceptable? You know, the voice – the reliable little guy that keeps telling you all the reasons why it’s okay to keep feeding your addiction. It goes something like this. “I’m not really addicted, I can stop at anytime”, or about this one. “If I was not married to so and so, I would not need to drink anymore.” We have all heard this one. “My life is just too stressful and I only need it to unwind.” We hear the voice and we listen because the voice is a symptom of addiction. Still Hang Out With Same Friends ~ Birds of a Feather Flock Together I’m sure you have heard the old adage, “birds of the same feather flock together”, right? Well, it is very true! We relapse because we have not changed our friendships and lifestyle. A newly sober addict can’t buddy up with the same people or places as they once did – they’re as much a part of the addiction as the substance. If there is one thing that addicts need to understand is that once they are sober they are not part of the same flock of party friends anymore. The new bird with the new life begins to grow healthier and wiser feathers. Once sober and socializing with the same flock of birds is like driving with a blindfold on, hoping you can stay in your own lane, obviously you’re going
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blindfold on, hoping you can stay in your own lane, obviously you’re going to veer over into oncoming traffic at some point. That’s what its like when we keep the same friendships. Eventually we’re going to drink or use with them. Ironically when you begin to heal through the different stages of sobriety you will come to realize that your old friends really weren’t your friends at all, but only drinking buddies – there’s a BIG difference. Lack of Supportive Friendships Where are the good friends? Where are the friendships? Where are the collaborations? Newly sober alcoholics should not be alone—they should remain in good company. It is difficult to be alone and remain sober. We all need good friendships, especially encouraging ones that we can go to when we are feeling downcast or just need someone to talk to. It is never a good idea to be in negative relationships when trying to overcome our addictions. We need to choose friends that are REAL friends – they hang in there with you when the going gets tough and they help you get tougher. These kinds of birds are harder to find, but if you hang out in the same places as these birds you’ll find some great trustworthy friends.
Unhealthy Diet Keeps us Physically Craving Alcohol "I have never, ever seen an alcoholic who wasn't hypoglycemic. It just doesn't occur, it's the same problem." Dr. Douglas M. Baird, HSF Medical Director, author of The Blood Sugar Hotline Part of total sobriety is getting healthy physically and mentally and we do that by eating a well-balanced natural diet, which means eliminating refined sugars and processed junk foods from the daily eating regime. I have done my fair share of research about alcoholism and hypoglycemia. Why? Because I have hypoglycemia and it is definitely one of the triggers that that set off my addiction to alcohol. The good news is hypoglycemia is not a "disease" in that you either have it or don't, it is a condition, and, in most cases, it is fully reversible through diet.
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An alcoholic is almost always a hypoglycemic. The hypoglycemic literally craves sugar and finds that sugar through alcohol. Our book Sugar Overload Syndrome talks about this in detail and we also have about 15 great whole foods recipes at the end of the book! Some unknowledgeable folks don’t understand that alcoholism takes over the whole body and spirit of a person—that means all these areas will need healed. Get educated about alcoholism and addiction and you will come to understand for yourself why you have emotional and physical cravings to drink. Alcoholism makes more sense now, doesn’t it? To heal in the physically sense as well as in mind, to total sobriety we need to change the way we are eating. Now that I am sober and eating my way towards a long and healthy life I now believe that alcoholism and any addiction for that matter is just another hurdle in our life hat we need to jump – that’s all it is. You CAN conquer the hurdle of addiction by taking the necessary steps to achieve sobriety in its completeness.
How You Can Get Sober and Stay Sober For Good Have you ever tried to quit drinking only to go back to it again and again? When you get sober are you getting sober for you or for someone else? It is my firm belief that the alcoholic must “want” to stop drinking and get their life back together for themselves BEFORE true sobriety will ever happen. When we are not convicted in our heart and mind to give up the addiction for ourselves we will have a difficult time staying sober. Let me tell you a little bit about my situation when I first quit drinking and then you can decide for yourself. When I first got sober, about 17-years ago, I did it for my husband. I thought I wanted to quit so I could save my marriage, but I realized later, when reality hit, that I really didn’t want to quit drinking, but only wanted to appease husband and extended family. I went into a rehab facility for 3-days and then went to a few Alcoholic’s Anonymous meetings, but because I was not getting sober for myself, sobriety only lasted a few weeks. I kept telling myself “reasons” why I could drink. Some of these reasons were really ridiculous but my mind was coming from an alcoholic perspective. The mind of an alcoholic does not
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coming from an alcoholic perspective. The mind of an alcoholic does not “see” nor “understand” the depth of reality around them. If the alcoholic is still in denial that they have a problem, or if they simply are not ready to quit, or if they try and quit for someone else rather than for themselves, they will NOT be able to stay sober for any amount of time. If the alcoholic really wants to quit, they will through the power of God in their life. Only our Creator can save us from ourselves and free us from the wretchedness of this world. I give thanks to God every day for giving me my life back! And I praise Him for making me whole in Jesus Christ! We can go to rehab, AA, counseling and our family can plead and beg for us to quit and threaten to leave us, but unless we’re convicted in our heart to quit because “we” want to quit it just won’t happen. Ah, yes, there are sober alcoholics walking around in society, but are they truly happy with their life? Are they truly free from the symptoms of an addicted mind? God created us and He continues to breathe life into us, but some of us, especially those who are trapped within addiction are blowing God’s breath of life right back out of their mouth—they have not yet accepted Christ, therefore they are in bondage to addiction. The truth is we can walk this journey in life, stumbling around in the dark, hitting ourselves over the head in the process, or we can give up what is holding us back from God’s love for us. We can humble our proud ways, and our wretched lives to Christ and begin to be the person that God intended for us to be—the person God intended for us to become in Him!! I’m a living, breathing testimony of God breathing life into me…if I didn’t have life I wouldn’t be able to give you this encouragement today. But God gave me back my life and He wants me to let you know there is a better way—His way! Don’t waste another minute of your day, covering up your pain, your troubles, your past and your grief with alcohol. Give those things to Jesus and He will take care of your needs. But you have to trust Him. God knows your pain—He knocking at your door, but you have to answer the door and invite Him in.
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invite Him in. God will give you peace and contentment…He says He will and I trust everything God says as true! Put your trust and faith in Him…today! Give Your Addiction to God Adversity definitely makes people stronger. Addiction is adversity and it is conquerable with the help of our Creator. I cannot say that I am stronger and wiser because of anything I have done but because of what God has done for me in my life. There is a difference. After spending years trapped within my own addiction and my addictive way of thinking, I finally came to realize that I was powerless to stop drinking and remain sober on my own. One day I just gave up on trying to control my sobriety and gave it to God! I’m thankful that I resolved to do so because it is not by our own will power or strength that we achieve total sobriety but God’s strength within us that we have been blessed with. So in conclusion, what happens if we relapse? Nothing, really, but as we have discovered, if we truly want to reach total sobriety for ourselves, we’ll have to make the needed changes that would be conducive to the sober lifestyle. In the first several months of sobriety, you may experience difficult times and you might relapse or you might not. But if you do, know this, it is not a set back but a “set forward.” Get the obstacle out of the way – leave it in the cocoon where it belongs and move forward with your life and you will have succeeded!! It is Very possible to get sober and stay sober and be happy! Put your faith and trust in God. Email Frank or I if you ever need additional support and encouragement. We know what you are going through. May God Bless! In Christ’s Love The family at Heaven Ministries http://www.heavenministries.com The Alcoholism Trap ~ Healing for the Alcoholic and Healing for the Loved One of an Alcoholic
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Sugar Overload Syndrome ~ Stop the physical cravings for alcohol through a natural diet Journey on the Roads Less Traveled ~ Angie’s personal journey of recovery from alcoholism Back to Top Copyright 2010 Heaven Ministries